Night - Afterthough #4

Hey there.. Yep, recently I've been updated my blog a lot.

I am who I am
Not what you think I am
Not who you want me to be
I am me
- Brigitte nicole

***

Well, you might think I am as you think that is up to you. But, please forgive me, that I'm not really what you think I am.

Today, my friend talked to me about social anxiety.

Do you know what is social anxiety disorder? Based on wikipedia, Social anxiety is nervousness in social situations. Anxiety and Depression Association of America said that The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation. People with social anxiety disorder may worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious (e.g., blushing, stumbling over words), or being viewed as stupid, awkward, or boring. As a result, they often avoid social or performance situations, and when a situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant anxiety and distress. Many people with social anxiety disorder also experience strong physical symptoms, such as a rapid heart rate, nausea, and sweating, and may experience full-blown attacks when confronting a feared situation. Although they recognize that their fear is excessive and unreasonable, people with social anxiety disorder often feel powerless against their anxiety (you may find the full description in Here).

What do you think about anxiety disorder?

When I think about that, I am thinking about confidence. Then, begin to self reflection. Hmmm.. you might think that I am so confident or else. But the truth is, I am not that confident. I have so many doubts in my self. Even if it was in the past, but I am still not confident about that.

Well, maybe I should congratulate you. You might think that I have won many things or surpassed you in many aspects or etc. But, the truth is I am still not confident enough to be right here in this moment. I am trying to be perfect, of course. However, if I could tell you the truth, I do not really have a high self esteem in me.

So you might think that I am is blablabla.. Yuri is etc etc etc.. But, I don't really what you think I am. That's okay, you might think that way, that is your right. You have the rights to think both positive or negative about me.

Second, unfortunately, I am not what you want me to be. I am sorry that I could not be perfect as you want me to be. Yet, I could not please every one in this Earth, right? So, you could not expect or force me to be someone else nether do I. We could not change people for the way they are.

I am who I am. I am me. If you think I have much confident, you know now, that it is not true but I wish it is true. The fact that I could not even contact you first, or communicate with you well, or act silly is because I am too afraid to start those things.

My friend ever told me that I am thinking too much. That is literally correct. Yes, indeed, I am overly thinking about everything. I am afraid to let you down. I am afraid if I could not be as you expect me to be. Yes, I am afraid of everything. I am trying to not think too much. I may not think about people's judgment to me, especially the negative one. However, I could not bear any negative judgment from you.

Therefore, this is who I am. This is me.

Ps: 

I'm sorry if I ever let you down or misinterpret you.